Thankfully, it’s been a busy few months and I just haven’t had the time to sit down and write my blog. There were fleeting moments amidst the madness when the thought appeared and I used to think ‘not just yet’, there is more I want to write. I feel like I have come on a little journey over the past few months, got to meet myself again.
I just finished a two week run,an eight week nationwide tour and a performance in Paris of ‘Madame De Markievicz on Trial’. It was exhilarating, exciting, exhausting, testing, filled with fun and camaraderie and I feel lucky to have been cast in this play and have worked with such a wonderful team. As well as that I filmed a couple of short films, one which is called ‘Terminal’ and will be released in the coming months, this film I am very proud to be part of and very excited about its journey ahead. As well as all that I had been facilitating drama workshops with students from Carnew Secondary school in putting a devised show together called ‘Hourglass‘ which was a huge success for them and it was a great pleasure for me to work with them.
On this journey I meet many creative souls, artists trying to forge an identity from the work we create and embody. And it reminded me of how much it is part of who I am, how I identify myself. Yes I am a wife and mother too but I am an artist and feel truly fulfilled when working creatively. Conversations have popped up now and again on social media especially in regards to #Waking the Feminists about being an artist and being a mother. I truly believe you can be anything you want to be and giving this gift to your children will enlighten them and help them enjoy life. Making brave, bold choices and following your dreams, that’s what inspires.
It has thrown up alot of questions and musings for me about the career I have chosen, as it always does.
I love my work. I love acting. I love creating a character, building and refining it. I love working with others in this make believe world where anything is possible. I love sharing my knowledge and experience with others and watching them search for the truth within and blossom. I will never accept that I am not going to succeed in my work. I was born to do this and I am very true to myself about who I am and what I am capable of. I often feel that if one day I no longer believe in my own ability to act or doubt my talent I will pack it all in and do many of the other wonderful things I know I could do. But my body and mind are entwined with my art and not doing it would mean not existing on all levels.
The opportunities to work are hard to come by in Ireland, the theatre industry specially is pretty sewn up and it’s hard to get a look in. I never really understood why this is the way it is,is it just the people with power calling the shots? There are so many talented actors out there and there is no opportunity to audition for these projects. It seems like its already those established in the upper echelons of these circles that seem to get the auditions and I do have talented friends who are amongst those chosen and rightly so. But again it baffles me, why not open the doors to new talent, to old talent that has never got the opportunity to shine. Will some strange and cataclysmic event happen if they actually audition someone else outside of those circles?
Sour grapes, that was a good title which was on a #wtf post, and it got me thinking about how we are viewed if we question the industry we work, there is a kind of uneasiness about it. Let’s not make waves, well I say, let’s create a tidal wave! It’s true I am disappointed sometimes by my industry, frustrated by it, but I always recognise and praise people who are doing well and hope one day that will be me after all my hard work. Success is not an entitlement, success is borne out of hard work, talent, good contacts and a little bit of luck and dare I say it, popularity does help. So I hope the latter does not let me down. My insecure self sometimes worries about the latter, do people like me enough, am I easy to work with, am I funny, am I amiable and do I belong? Then the secure sure self of mine says ‘Who gives a flying fuck?You are who you are, true to yourself, so never try to fit in just for other peoples approval’ .There is sometimes feeling like you are back in the playground, back in those teenage years wanting to belong, to fit in and at the same time rebelling against the system. It’s a merry go round of emotions.
Now I have entered a quiet period where there is no paid work in the offing and its slightly terrifying when you have a young family. There are projects out there that could bear fruit and prove to be a successful showcase for me but there is no work at the moment and it’s not like the phone is going to ring any time soon. I am quite proactive at seeking work. I am good at making my own work and I do put my faith in the universe that something good is on the horizon.
So why do I feel slightly conflicted in sitting down and enjoying the peace. My brain is telling me to find work, quick, move on, no time to relax, need to,do it now, act.
Shut up!!! That’s what I want to say to my brain. You never let me rest and it always works out, the worry does not lead to anything, it just stresses me out. Work will come, today I am going to sit down ,write, dream and make plans. I will allow myself that and you never know while I am busy doing that, the phone just might ring.