Oh hey! It’s been a while. (puts clothes back on)
My last blog was sometime last year and since then I have learned a lot, let go a little more and open my heart to the universe a little more. From time to time I I still find myself reflecting on my place in the world, as a human being, as a woman, as a mom, as an actor trying to figure it all out. As I have come to learn you can never really escape your true self and I have to come to terms with the fact that it might be more productive to get in touch with her again on a more regular basis.
I have become a little more centered these days. Becoming a little more self-aware as opposed to self-conscious. Dabbling in a little more yoga and meditation, things I have always sampled shall we say but never fully connected or committed to. Its all about the commitment isn’t it? We love committing to a play, television or film project. When it comes to other stuff, well that takes a little more convincing. Because the work is what we really want, that’s what makes us happy, and it does, well it does me.
As a mom and master juggler, I realise that it requires so much energy to keep focused on my goal along with raising a family and not losing my mind at times. The precarious uncertain career path is strewn with ‘Am I selfish to pursue this?’ ‘Should I get a real job?’, ‘Am I ever gonna get that break?’ Now as I type, in my mind, I have already justified my chosen career and the very thought of giving it up fills me with a sense of impending doom, loss and complete defiance of the very notion. It’s who I am, no, that does not mean it defines me but it is an essential part of my being. The ‘defines me’ bit is interesting. I have meditated on this recently as I felt myself in that state when I auditioned for something and felt my hopes rising, fluttering butterflies in my tummy, the expectations I placed on myself and I had to remind myself that I need to stay centered and release expectation and just allow whatever happens to happen regardless of whether I like the decision or not.
Which brings me to rejection, what’s it like, for an actor? I suppose it is different for everyone, you develop a thick skin, no doubt about that. It can sometimes feel like a fist punch to the guts, where all your dreams, hopes of security, beliefs about yourself come tumbling down and you have to stack them all up again and this time maybe a little differently. What can you do? Meditate and grieve a little for lost opportunity. You will still feel a little disappointed but you did your best, which is all you can do and it was just not to meant to be. Move forward again with that sense of possibility in your heart and openness to new opportunity and success, in whatever shape or form it appears and most importantly keep believing. I think as actors we are always in a state of readiness whether its that last minute call to attend an audition miles away or a self- tape that needs doing now, I mean, right now or just being ready for when that dream director wants you for the part!
Be ready, always ready for success just as you are, more than likely, always ready for failure.
Hold on a minute,I have to heed this voice, it’s the nagging yet responsible parent in me screaming ‘Yeah but when will it come? I need a time, a set date!’ I honestly can’t answer that and being an actor we get very used to living in the moment. I think we thrive on the adrenaline of uncertainty and spontaneity. Our profession is one long improvisation.
Who knows what’s around the next corner? For now and what I find best to do is say Yes and take it from there!